Monthly Archive: September 2015


Seek, Find and Clear Your Barriers to Love

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  RumiRemove Barriers


Have you ever noticed that when you get into a conflict with your spouse or loved one, it often starts with some feeling of discomfort within your body. There’s an irritated feeling that comes up, and we often make the mistake of thinking it’s the other person’s fault that we feel this way. But blaming the other person, and expecting them to change in some way so that we feel better, is often not the best approach, especially if we want loving, peaceful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

At times, we have such a back-log of charged up energy, we feel like a powder keg, ready to go off if our partner says the wrong thing. We’ve been trying so long to be loving and kind that all the anger and upset we feel has gone “underground” and builds an explosive pressure within us. Does this sound familiar?

Well then, what should we do? If you notice an uncomfortable feeling within, turn your attention inward, toward that feeling, and ask yourself, “what do I want right now?” “What do I need?” If the feeling is strong, it can be really effective to remove yourself to a quiet place and sit with the feeling, and let yourself feel it deeply. Get curious about it? What is it? Where is it coming from? Is it coming from a much younger time in your life? Is there a little vulnerable girl or boy within you who feels unseen, unheard, misunderstood in some way? Just continue to breathe deeply, into your belly, and ask this younger self what it wants to say, what it wants to do, what it needs right now.  Then when it answers you, see if you can provide that for yourself, or for that younger version of yourself that lives within you, still wanting, needing, to be loved.

Often, we make the mistake of resenting these younger parts of ourself. This is not going to help, but instead create an internal conflict that rages on within you. The subpersonality that formed at a younger age often needs to be loved and understood, and didn’t get that need met at a younger age. So when we internalize a chastising parent that wants this younger self to be perfect and behave in a certain way, this doesn’t resolve the issue. However, it is a natural response. The mind is made up of opposites, and subpersonalities within us, also form in opposites.

If you’ve repressed a lot of anger and upset, and you find it difficult to control reactive outbursts, you have to find ways to dissipate the charge and resolve the issue(s) within yourself that are at the base of these feelings. This can be very effectively done with a Clearer, Counselor, or Coach who is skilled in receiving these communications, so you feel understood.  There are techniques to help you get to the bottom of what is creating this charge within you, so it doesn’t keep recurring. And there are techniques that will help you to transform this energy so that you feel good inside, instead of guilty for the harm you may be causing to yourself and others by your outbursts. Anger projected at others often hurts our heart and causes others to shut down and protect themselves when in our presence. We can say hurtful things that can cause disconnect and pain in our relationships.

There are many techniques that have been developed to resolve these internal conflicts. It’s worth working with someone who knows how to help you resolve these, so they don’t continually create havic in your life, disturbing your internal peace, and creating conflict in your relationships. Feel free to book an interview time with me here, so you can get your questions answered, and decide if you’d like my help resolving your internal and external conflicts. I’d love to support you if you like.


By Valerie Heavens, Relationships & Self-Mastery Coach and Trainer